The Cork Board

Keep it DOWN!

No-one knows what really goes on in a marriage, do they? From the outside, I mean. Mrs. Monkey and I had been having an on-off debate for a couple of years. I was convinced that she needed elocution lessons. Sometimes she’d say things that were just not clear, regardless of which room I was in at the time, and I’d think “Poor girl, how can I tell her?”. I did try. But she was having none of it.Over time this deficiency slowly worsened until frustrations set in. Finally, something had to be done.

I’ve had my new hearing aids for a couple of months now. Damn, is this what the world sounds like to you? Turn it down!

Fancy ones, they are, apparently. I’m not that sure having been a “hearing aid” virgin. They have Bluetooth connectivity to just about anything that will link up.


“Link them to your phone,” spoketh the Audiologist, clearly,” and then there’s a trick you can do to answer a call. Just push the button behind your ear.” I tried that. Once. It worked fine and was kind of weird. With nothing to give any outward signal to anyone passing by I sat quietly on a park bench seemingly talking to my alter-ego who seemed to be asking me to buy some pasta on the way home. People gave me a wide berth. Even dogs.

Phone call ended and within two minutes my head exploded as I received a message. The “ping” alert went straight to my ears.Bam! Very disconcerting. After the third time it happened I had to disconnect the whole thing. 

I decided some customisation was required if I was to make use of this. My call ringtone is the Crickets sound which is a standard tone on most iPhones, I think. I like this one because it reminds me of hot holidays previously enjoyed and the evening cricket song everywhere. Sometimes I’ll play the crickets tone just for fun as the sun sets in our garden and I sip a glass under our creeping vine. The world is peaceful and I remind myself of warm(er) evenings. Now I can play the crickets to myself and grin inanely. 


Recently I was sitting quietly listening to two mice argue about a mother-in-law visit. Apparently she was coming over from a neighbours garden too often and Mr.Mouse had had enough of her coming over and judging his suitability as mouse husband. I was about to call out to them to keep it down and then this came in …


6 thoughts on “Keep it DOWN!”

  1. This is very tricky and touch area. Mrs Gay and i are experiencing the same out of range hearing problems, except it is often when we are side by side
    In fairness she is usually on my deaf side.
    Which side is that i hear you ask (no pun intended), well my deaf side really…
    How is it i get into so much trouble and i dont get to hear about it…
    Your expert advice please Alan

    1. Ah, yes, Sir. Hearing malfunction is often simply down to pitch shift. That is, our hearing is no longer pitch perfect. Try saying, “Darling, I didn’t hear you because you didn’t use the correct pitch. If you had used a pitch in the upper quadrant of the tonal range of the human ear then you would have been clear as a bell.” Keeping an eye on the dog is a good alternative. If he flinches and you heard nothing it may be wise to take evasive action before ascertaining whether or not any communication had been attempted. Good luck. Your local wartime replica store can supply tin hats.

  2. Reality is stranger than fiction.
    I met with an amazing audiologist and I am heading down this path.
    I understand the technology is emerging here and using say the new (to be released Apple Watch 5) devices are filled with promise but short on robust reliability.
    Only had to sell a kidney to get one… pity I need two hearing aids😢

  3. very droll-y funny Al. (not the fact that you need the hearing aid but the way you write about it) Luv that you refer to your missus as Mrs. Monkey – and “keeping an eye on the dog” – made me laff. Oh, and we actors (well, retired actors) all used to appear to be talking to no one on the strand whilst learning lines. Think of yourself as an actor going over a part. Oh, I hope you don’t start picking up the police frequency. Anyway, thanks for catching up on my ravings, be well, keep sipping that glass, and continue…

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