Hello Tux, thanks for coming in and sitting on me. Your feet are cold. How long have you been here now ? Two years or so.
And before that ?
I was sleeping rough for a while , …wasn’t a good period of my life, sir…and I did some things of which I’m not proud…. gardens and things,you know…
Ah, yes, well, needs must I suppose. So how do you find it here?
Lovely, sir. The cushions are soft. Regular meals. Warm. And I have a particular preference for the faux fur throw. Very nice.
Good, glad to hear it. We do like to create a comfortable space for all our residents and we will admit that you have been a pleasing addition … on the whole…
On the whole, sir?
Well, yes, on the whole…
There are, of course, some things that you do well. You have a high “Cute Factor” score when visitors arrive. The way you stretch out your sleeping position like a Draught Excluder has been perfected and visitors are often delighted to see it. And lap sitting of an evening is a regular strength but just to note…that unsavoury habit you have with one leg in the air can be kept for more …private moments perhaps…
Yes, sir, sorry …
But there is one thing we need to discuss.
The mouse …. this is not the first time is it?
There have been others…. and how long has this mouse been in the house ?
About a week
About a week… and how many times has it escaped you now? 3 ? Even in a closed room ? And do we know where this mouse is now ?
Under the cooker, I think….
Under the cooker
Or the fridge
Or the fridge….And this mouse has been stealing your biscuits for food and ignoring my traps….
I think so….
So, when this mouse is too big to hide under the cooker or the fridge, after all the food and warmth it has enjoyed, should we ask him to move in …invite him to tea ….. Christmas dinner….?
I’m sorry, sir, it’s in my DNA…. to catch mice, I mean …..
But the bit in your DNA that appears to be missing is the trigger that says “this is edible”…
Yes, edible. Yum Yum. Burp.
Buck up, Tux. This is your area of expertise…apparently…
I will. I will try.
So you say. If you cannot improve in this area Tux then we may have to involve another who will.
Okay, sorry, right, (angrily) I’ll get the bastard.
Language, Tux, not acceptable. You’re not an alley cat .… We’ll pick this up again …. about 8 o’clock