The Cork Board

Friday Night in England

“I love this little fellow. Spontiorium Toodle-oodle-i “Wilbur Smith.” The camera panned from Minty’s grubby fingers, caressing as they were, the tiny yellow petals, to beam his winning smile across the screen.

Minty Din

Iris spluttered her lambrusco onto her pinny and grumphed as she dusted off the
droplets. “There is another member of this family – Spontiorium Toodle-oodle –i
“Arthur Smith”. It’s not as prolific but a lot funnier.”

“Stick it in soil. Give it water and sun and it will grow.”
Iris thought it looked like a weed but Minty was sage in his own garden. “And
now, over to Rachael who is visiting a garden in the Outer Hebrides.”

Rachael of The Thames

Rachael of The Thames sauntered into shot. The wind whisped her flowing hair like some ancient goddess as she tried to look graceful in amongst the rocks. Harold peered over his Evening Standard at Foxey Rachie, as he liked to call her. He swore that she was the only one who knew anything about gardening and as a consequence she was the only presenter he would watch.
Iris grumphed and topped up her lambrusco.

Foxey Rachie knelt by a piece of heather and felt as one with nature. “Plants will grow anywhere given a chance.”

“See,”said Harold “told you. That’s true knowledge that is.”

“Do yer bloody crossword and shut up,” Iris slammed.

“And now over to Joe for some heavy duty gardening,” her teeth gleamed. Harold returned to his Standard, his cockles warmed.

Joe Swallow

Joe Swallow lurched onto the screen bestride a quad bike, roared the throttle and shouted “Yeah, that’s just the jobby. We’re going to turn this patch of barren desert wasteland into a community garden which everyone can enjoy. Now, all I need is my chain saw.” He leapt from the bike like some horticultural Frankie Dettori. Off camera, Minty sighed. He’d needed some persuasion to come back on to the show and he was never really happy with
some of the rougher edges of his colleagues.

Karen Klean

He caught a glimpse of Karen coming into view. “Eeh, there’s nout ah like moo-er than a pie an’ chips like me Dad used to eat on ‘is way ‘ome fromp ‘it.” Minty blanched. Why, oh why did the BBC have to have a token regional presenter. He knew that he was probably
becoming presenterist but couldn’t help himself.

“….and a glass of Dandelion and Burdock to go wi’it,” she continued.

Dandelion and Burdock


“Now then, dandelions. You can grow them anywhere.”

Iris burped. Minty cut in. “Well that’s all we have time for this week. Next week. Er, we’ll be here again.” He kept his winning smile pinned in place. Above all else it was what the viewers wanted to see, he thought. And anyway, it was his trade mark.

“And whatever the weather, enjoy yer garden.” Minty flinched. Where did that voice come from. A ghost. A ghost of the past. It can’t be.

Minty glimpsed a grey figure slip through his prize beech hedge leaving nothing behind but a cheeky grin where the figure had stood.
Nothing would be the same again.

12 thoughts on “Friday Night in England”

  1. hahaha even in this story doesn’t seem like there is too much fun in UK! 😀 Joke! So you had gardening day in the end?! 😀

    1. Marija sKeri
      Monkey’s Keeper here – yes I do read his witterings occasionally. Need to correct his last post. He loves gardening – absolutely adores it in fact. I can tell by the look of glee on his little face when I outline the plans for the weekend…..
      Mrs Alan.

  2. Like Munira I had to reread the article more than once (three times) for it all to register. It registers very well. I enjoy that jocular English strays so far from English grammatical text. It has been my experience that it does so even more at the Island level. I get a similar vibe from Jamaican English usage and that from Newfoundland. Hence the theory. It makes it fun when the meaning filters through. The filter of course gets more pourous with experience. Fun Post.

    1. Thanks, Nick. I’m glad you got there and full marks for your persistence. I figured it would probably have a limited audience but it was worth a shot – and I’m fond of spoofing institutions, whether real or tv programmes.

    1. Friday evening in the UK is Gardening Programnme night. I guess you have to know the celebrities to follow the spoof but thanks for trying. My wife thought it was funny (she’s a gardening programme nut ).

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